This is a little hard for me, as I still struggle with my self-esteem issues when looking at myself in "the mirror". Not because I believe I am a bad person, I do believe I am a good person; but I know the things I've done. And I am not proud of a lot of them. There are a lot of "do overs" I wish I could have, but that isn't going to happen, we all know that. I think that my attitude towards self-realization is a good thing about me, and one of the three things I hope everyone else out there could learn about me. We've touched on the whole perspective thing, so I hope that I am coming across to you the same way I see myself and judge myself to be. I am a sinner and I know it and I think that it helps me control the way I act and want to act to the people in this world. I fall short of this and that is okay as long as I keep making amends and keep trying to be the best person I can be; to give more smiles than crys and to help everyone who shares my life enjoy theirs just a little bit more.
I truly want to make amends to the people I've wronged. I watch "My name is Earl" when I can. I like it and think it is quite funny. As Earl goes through his life and tries to earn himself better karma by making amends for all the wrongs he has done in his past, he just keeps stepping all over himself and making a bigger mess by trying too hard, but it all works out in the end and he gets to keep on keeping on. I like the idea of karma. It makes sense that if you are a suck-ass then you get treated like a suck -ass, and if you are great to people that you get treated great. I like the saying that good things happen to good people. I have done right by a lot of people and maybe they help balance out my "karma score", but I haven't done a good job of keeping score so I could be wrong. And I've been done wrong, but I can't control other people's actions so we won't go there. I'll just have to trust that they will do their part. But as for me, I wish I could at least tell those people (Cate, Jessica, Coach Staumbaugh, Coach Martin, Frank, Ralph, Annette, and a few more) whom I've hurt, face to face, that I am sorry and that I would make amends if I could and they would let me.
And that leads to the third thing (the second being that I am truly a repentant person) I wish others could learn about me, that people can change and that I have. I know they can, I've witnessed it first hand. Not only have I changed over the years, but I've changed because I've learned from my mistakes. I learned a lot from my ex-wife. Things having to do with a man's role in his family, his role as a husband and friend, his role as a father. I got to see how another family other than my own acts around and to each other. I've learned a lot of tricks and mannerisms to help make my family a better family than my father's or mother's family. I thought my family was "normal" before I married into my ex's family. Then I realized that her family and my family were both messed up in their own ways and that neither was "normal". Both had their own good points and drawbacks, but they are what they are and you make the best out of what you have. I miss my ex and her family, but I stay away for their privacy. She married again and that is her circle of family and I don't need to be there even if they are comfortable with it (even though I am not). But I do miss them, I learned a lot from them because they shared their family with my unabated. I know that I will not make the mistakes I made with my ex again. I just have no desire to act like that again. The way I acted toward her and toward people in general was wrong, I have seen that. A lot of people say a leopard can't change it's spots, but I think they are wrong. I paid for my mistakes by not getting to live with my children and that is a steep price to pay; but ultimately I didn't like the way I felt about myself when I realized what I had done.
How I learned and found myself to be the man I was is not important other than those who helped me to become that way need the same lessons I learned, but rather, the man I am and will be for my kids now and any future family I might be lucky enough to be a part of late is what is important. I don't know if my self-esteem issues will ever allow me to marry or even date, but if I am lucky enough to find a good woman willing to put up with me I know that I will try to be the best damn friend, spouse and man that I can be.
1166 - Idle Thoughts on A Hot Sunday
3 weeks ago