I wrote a poem and put together a slide show for a fellow blogger who has a great blog and weaves wonderful descriptions of what she is dealing with in her life. I like reading what she has to say, because a lot of what she is going through in her life mirrors mine. I empathize. I sympathize. I try to rationalize and come to grips with my own struggles by learning from others, and she has good things to say about her own struggles. It is inspiring. It is entertaining. It is relaxing.
But unfortunately, I think that what I did freaked her out a bit. I get the impression that she is teetering on whether to be flattered that a cyber stranger can channel so much emotion into something for someone they have never met or that she has a full blown cyber stalker on her hands and doesn't know how far over the edge I may have gone.
Funny? No, no, cute? Nah, um, hilarious? No. Not quite sure how to feel about it, but I do know that I don't want her or anyone else freaked out about it.
Let me assure anyone out there reading this and following any part of this that I am not a stalker. I am a writer, a hopeless romantic, a father trying to come to grips with not having his ex-wife and children around and an otherwise normal person who likes to read and learn new things.
If anyone is entertaining the idea that I am going to travel across the country to profess my undying love to a person with which I have never had a single spoken word or share any resemblance of a common life, you are mistaken. I sure the heck am not going to anywhere the temperatures drop to below zero degrees Fahrenheit! And although I am in the market for a good woman, which I consider her to be, I am not one to put my faith 100 percent into the concept of love at first sight. I know that the only way to culture a loving, committed relationship is through getting to know someone over time. Words come cheap, actions speak volumes. How does one find it possible to be romantically in love with another who you have no history shared? Are their people out there who still believe this myth, that someday you are going to meet that one that will last forever and you will know it on the spot? Is their predetermined fate and if we wait long enough that God (or a higher power of your choice) will reward you with a spontaneous burst of devotion in the form of another person?
Maybe, but I am not buying into it.
As a writer (and hopeless romantic), I find my muse in different things and people from time to time. The fact that I have poured how I wish I had kept feeling about my ex-wife and how I hope to feel about another woman someday into this one poem for someone who I feel deserves to be treated that way is just me writing to my current muse. The slide show was a means for me to show her that I like the way she smiles and that all the feelings she (and all of us really) has to be desirable and that she is missing something in her life is not unfounded. The fact that she has multiple men on hand, spending time with her, where she lives, building memories and chemistry with her and her boys should say it all. Men want to share your life and it is okay to share back with them and if you chose one lucky one or none at all, that you are going to be okay, but that you shouldn't settle for anything less than true devotion if you do choose another man to share your life.
I will never commit to another relationship (a lasting marriage I hope) unless I feel that feeling, and if I have any reservations about it at all, I AM OUT OF THERE. And I don't mean "tire track leaving" peeling out out of there (I don't ever want to shred another person's heart again by any action of mine), but in a calm, civil, polite, tender manner.
I want to be in love again, but I am no fool. I know it doesn't happen at the snap of the fingers. It takes time and patience to establish the kind of trust to build upon for a life time of devotion. And that isn't going to happen over the Internet.
To all my bloggy friends out there, I appreciate you sharing, I am enthralled by all the drama that we are all experiencing, and I appreciate the chance to better my own life through your life lessons. I may even write something or create something out of the feelings I get from reading/watching the glimpses of your lives you share with us, but that doesn't mean I am entertaining the idea of anything more than some good entertainment in my down time. I am not crazy, stupid or foolish; but I don't mind telling you all what I think when I find the artistic impulses to put those feelings into the things I create, namely my poetry.
(My) Life is a Battlefield
3 weeks ago