Wednesday, March 17, 2010

But to live a day again, to change what we did once when..

I've been over to Mama Kat's again and I like the prompts so I'm playing. They all appeal to me, but I am choosing to write on the first prompt. The problem is that I can't narrow it down to just one. I believe a top five list would be in order.

The fifth day I would most like to relive would be a tie. It would be the two days my kids were born into this world. I would love to take more pictures. I would love to make sure that my ex-wife and my family knew just how important those days are to me. My life changed for the better on both those days and I do not regret them happening one bit. I just wish I had been a better man then so I could have done more since then for my kids and our family.

Holding the number four spot down on my list would have to be a whole bunch of days leading up to my 18th birthday. I would love the chance to get my eagle scout award, both for myself and for my dad. I would probably sign straight into the military coming out of high school, too. College would definitely be in my future, but it would have to be double duty with my service to my country.

Third on my list of five would have to be a fateful night back before I met my wife. It was an event which sealed my fate with an ex-girlfriend and a skank who I had no business knowing. I lost the second love of my life that night and set in motion a whole set of other circumstances that, although leading to my fatherhood, also left a path of regret touching a dozen lives. No details, but just say promiscuity is not a good thing.

Three days, three stinking days that have affected my life more than any others. One night at a party, with a friend, I was introduced to the mother of my children. I love my children, but if I could I would have walked away from her then and there. I have lost or had to sacrifice everything I've dreamed of since knowing this woman. Other than giving me our kids and a few pleasant memories, she has been a curse like no other in my life. I am still having to pay penalties for even knowing this woman. I believe in respect and she is due some of that, but if she died tomorrow I wouldn't shed a tear for her.

The second day I would like to relive would have to be the day I was married. I showed up way later than I should have, was totally unfocused and had no idea what I was getting myself into for the future. The things I know now haunt me. Not the fact that I am without my wife and kids, but the lack of effort I put into one of the most important days of my life. It is a respect thing and I had very little of it that day.

And the most important day that I would like to relive.......would be the day I decided to leave my home town. I say this, not because I shouldn't have left, but because I moved away from my kids. I lost 6 years with them by running from myself. I can't get them back, but I can move on from there. Now I see them every chance I can and it feels great. Never mind that it interferes with the ex-wife and her new husbands plans, never mind that it costs me every spare dollar I have to travel and support the moments my kids and I steal away from our everyday lives, never mind that I have to sacrifice loads of time from an already hectic schedule, never mind that I can't make up for the six years that I lost by my own choice; they love our time together and so do I. I connect with my son, I share moments with my daughter, we lean on each other and discuss our troubles as well as make some awesome memories. I can even see a difference in the way both are handling the pressures they struggle with at home. I have an impact on their life and it is a positive one. That is my goal and I can see it happening right in front of me. And that makes my day.

My life, my time, my money, my love...are theirs.........unconditionally. All I ask in return is a smile, and I have not been disappointed.

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